Not an Ounce...

"If you ever choose to walk away from something, someone, somewhere...do it with grace, class, style, and not an ounce of bitterness."

-

I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook page recently, and it resonated with me.  Sometimes, things just don't work. 

A job.

A friendship.

A relationship.

It's life.  

Some things just don't work as we'd like them to.  No matter how much we try, strive and work to make it the way we'd like...sometimes it just isn't meant to be.  

We have to make choices that aren't always exactly how we imagined something to turn out.  

In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to make choices that cause hurt and pain...bitterness.  

But this isn't a perfect world, and neither are we perfect.  So we make the best choices we can, and we continue through life. 

Grace, style, class and without bitterness...

Those are words to take to heart. 

Just a Few Thoughts...

There is seldom a sight more sobering than that of a tow truck carrying 2 cars that have both been battered in an accident driving down the freeway. It is a constant reminder to pay attention while driving, and to ensure that while driving, you are cautious.  

With the recent rain, I have seen this quite a bit, and this afternoon was no different.  This time, as I drove by, I glanced over as I passed.  The damage that was done to that vehicle was so intense that I doubt anyone could have made it out of that accident alive. 

Do I know for sure if it was a fatal accident or not?

Of course not.

Can I suspect that it was?

Of course.

Would I be entirely accurate if I made assumptions?

Absolutely not.

-

So many times, we look at a situation from the outside and make assumptions based off of our suspicions.  

We project our emotions. actions and logic onto a situation that we have no ability to predict. 

It is so easy for us, as humanity, to look at a life from the outside and judge their actions, the situation or the reactions of those entrenched in the battle, that we can forget the humanity that is being injured in the midst of the fight.

-

To break it down to simple terms: we judge when we have no right to.  

We judge others. 

We judge ourselves.

We take the place of God in our own lives, and we act as God to others. 

-

I don't know about you, but I don't want that responsibility.  God is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent.  I am none of those.  I don't know all.  I don't see all.  I am not all powerful.  

-

I am not God.  

I make mistakes.

I fail.

-

But despite my passing judgment on myself, and despite my passing judgment on others, He still forgives me.

Aren't you glad that God judges you instead of me judging you? If I were to judge you as harshly as I judge myself, I think we'd all be going to hell.  And vice versa.  If you were to judge me as harshly as you judge yourself, we'd both be in the pit together. 

So maybe, just maybe, we should quit with the judgmental attitudes, the comparing of each other and the subsequent bitterness, hurt and disillusionment that come with a judgmental state of mind.   

We might just find that life is a much sweeter place when we accept our failures, other's failures and the forgiveness that God grants with true repentance.  

Sunshine and Rain

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain."

-

When life is going as planned,

The world is sunshine filled,

No clouds on the horizon,

Life is good

But when the clouds invade the sunlit sky, 

The sunshine fades away,

And rain pours from the heaven's above,

Life is grand

For even though the darkness falls,

Bright skies are chased away,

I have the hand of You to hold,

And we can dance the rain away...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both,

And be one traveler, long I stood,

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy, and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- 

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

-Robert Frost

Annnnd.....

...welcome to a new year.  

--

Someone asked me if I was going to make a New Year's Resolution this year...here is how that conversation went:  

"So are you going to make a New Year's Resolution Bekki?  If so, what is it?"

"No, I'm actually not."

"Well why?"

"Well, because I always break them."

He kinda looked at me funny, and then said: "So you're just going to give up?"

"Yep! Apathy is always best." (I was being more than a little slightly sarcastic) 

--

I am not making a resolution this year, because I have come to the conclusion that if I need to change something in my life, I need to change it NOW, not at the beginning of a new year. 

So many times we hear people say: "The diet starts Monday." or "I'll start sticking to my budget next month." or "I'll start exercising regularly when/if...etc." 

I think that sets me up for failure.  I keep practicing my BAD habits when I could immediately implement GOOD habits and begin to break my bad habits.  Why put off something that we know we need to change now?  The longer we put it off, the harder it will be to keep that resolution.  

So no, I am not making a New Year's Resolution.  I'm making up my mind to change bad habits that come to light in my life as they arise, so I can practice for success.  

2009

I failed to do a Thanksgiving entry this year, because I was beyond out of my mind with illness.  So I figured I would save everything, and write it in an "End of the Year" post. 

Where to start? The beginning you say? Ok...

"He sees my beginning...and He stands and the end, and yet He remains faithful..."

The first thing I am thankful for this year, is God's faithfulness.  He has proven His faithfulness time after time after time.  His love is astounding. His mercy awe inducing. His grace beyond description.  

Why me Lord? Why did you choose me? I'm so inadequate. So prone to failure. I complain. I kick against the pricks. I lose myself in the cares of the world.  I neglect You.

Nevertheless, I am so incredibly thankful for Your unchanging, unwavering love, mercy and grace. Thank you will never be enough...

Then, there is my family.  We gained 2 this year...a brother and a beautiful little girl (beast.)  I've seen my siblings change as they've become a mother, an aunt and an uncle.  My parents change as they've become Grandparents. It's amazing to see what a little 8 pound baby does to grown adults.  We're getting another little addition to the family come June of this year, and I can't wish for anything more than a healthy baby.  Girl? Boy? I don't much care...I just want a healthy baby and a safe delivery. 

Isabelle Norton is quoted as saying: "In my friend, I find my second self." Then there is the quote by Wayne Dyer: "Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family." While I don't feel any affinity to the second quote, because my family doesn't need to be apologized for, I identify with the first wholly and completely.  I have some wonderful friends and companions that I know are God given, and I am so thankful for them.

Now, on to myself. I am thankful for the changes that I have seen in myself this year.  God-wrought changes.  I couldn't have made any of them alone.  He has taken my cynicism and lack of trust, and morphed it into something that is healthier.  He has taken my inability to say no...and while I still have a hard time saying no, it's getting a little easier. He has enabled me to forgive, and while it is hard to forget, I can move on in peace.  He has given me a peace that passes understanding, that I have literally never felt before.  

I am so thankful for the changes in my life this year....and I hope that 2010 holds new possibilities, opportunities for growth and that I will remember, no matter what comes my way, He is there beside me through it all.  

Matthew 19:26 "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

untitled

I've always heard it said that: "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better..."

This is hard for me to comprehend at times, because normally, what I have in my hands, HE gave to me in the first place. 

So He is taking something that He gave me? To give me something better? 

If God is all knowing, all powerful and completely sovereign, then this means that He knew what He gave me first was going to be taken away. And so, it stands to reason, that what He gave me was to a) teach me something, b) only to be there for a time and c) change me in some way or another.

How do I know then, if the thing that He has given to me now, isn't going to be taken away as well? 

I catch myself thinking sometimes like God is a human parent. 

"If I do this wrong, I will be punished, but if I do this right, I will be rewarded." 

So I then catch myself thinking: "If I do everything right, then this won't be taken away from me."

Oh to have that assurance.

"I will trust You Lord,

I will fear no more,

When You lead where I can't see,

I know You know what's best for me,

The way You chose to lead,

Really matters not to me,

For I know that You will be,

All that my soul will ever need..."

Amazing Grace...

Amazing Grace, will always be my song of praise
For it was grace, that bought my liberty
I do not know, just why He came to love me so 
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need 

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary 
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary 
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul

He looked beyond my faults and saw my need...

Forgetting...

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” -Lewis B. Smedes

--

Sometimes I wish for a mental eraser so I can erase all of the memories I would rather forget.  

But sometimes, those memories act as a protective shield for me.  

So my hope for the future from those memories is to keep from getting hurt.  Does that work?

"Hey Lord, did you see that's my hope for the future? 

What's that you say? 

I need to be hurt to keep a broken, pliable spirit?

But Lord...I don't want to be! 

I'm tired of crying Lord!

What's that?

You'll comfort me and pick up my broken pieces? 

What if I don't think you're doing it fast enough?"

Are You Jesus?

A few years ago, a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding. ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad that he did. The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, 'Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?' She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, 'I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly.' As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, 'Mister....' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, 'Are you Jesus?' He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: 'Are you Jesus?'

--
Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day. Having the Holy Ghost means that you have more than just "Knowing Him," His Spirit lives inside of you. Do you let it shine out or do you cloak it with worldly cares? Each one of us can relate with the bruised apple too. We have all been bruised by the fall of sin and the cares that life tosses at us. He purchased our bruised souls with a price...shouldn't we pass the knowledge on to someone else who needs their broken goods purchased?
--

Do more than just talk about Jesus today. BE Jesus to someone.

*I have posted this in the past, I just felt like it was worth repeating.

Let Me Make One Thing Clear...

...I never explain! - Mary Poppins

--

I do believe that I shall adopt this quote from the lady with the miracle bag as my motto for life!

Tonight, Dieanna and I went to go see the Mary Poppins Musical at the Ahmanson Theatre as a 'last supper' type outing before she ruins her lif...I mean gets hitched next Saturday!

I truly enjoyed the musical and the time that we were able to spend together before she goes off and leaves me alone at church. 

--

Anyway.  Back to Mary Poppins.  It was so incredibly adorable.  

The story line differed from the original quite a bit but it was very catchy and the songs were great.  

"Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious...."

Although, I discovered that somewhere deep within the hidden recesses of my soul must be some sort of a closet romantic, because it was slightly depressing to me that Mary didn't end up with Bert. 

But the feeling quickly passed, and I, once again, could become the cynical and unromantic Bekki.  

Because what better life than to be able to fly away with only an umbrella, pull everything out of a bag that is no bigger than a carry-on, sing "I'm Practically Perfect in Every Way" (and have multiple people agree with her), and be so unencumbered?  

Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!  (little Brian Regan for you there)

All The World's a Stage...

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?” -Chuck Palahniuk

--

It's a slightly irreverent idea to think that we could leave this life, change our costume and come back as a different character...but it's an intriguing idea!

I would have to say that I wouldn't do either: slow down or speed up.  

I love my life how it is right now...and I wouldn't change a thing.  That's right.  

I

Wouldn't 

Change

A 

Single 

Thing.

It's a great place to be in life! 

God is good.

I am not...

In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It Goes On. -Robert Frost

A Study in Brokenness...

An excerpt from A Tale of Three Kings...

"David was caught in a very uncomfortable position: however he seemed to grasp a deep understanding of the unfolding drama in which he had been caught.  He seemed to understand something that few of even the wisest men of his day understood.  Something that in our day, when men are wiser still, even fewer understood.  

And what was that?

God did not have -- but wanted very much to have -- men and women who would live in pain.

God wanted a broken vessel.

--

The mad king saw David as a threat to the king's kingdom.  Saul did not understand, it seems, that God should be left to decide what kingdoms survive which threats.  Not knowing this, Saul did what all mad kings do.  He threw spears at David.  He could. He was king. Kings can do things like that.  They almost always do.  Kings claim the right to throw spears.  Everyone knows very, very well.  How do they know? Because the king has told them so -- many, many times. 

Is it possible that this mad king was the true king, even the Lord's anointed?

And what about your king? Is he the Lord's anointed? Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't.  No one can ever really know for sure.  Men say that they are sure.  Even certain. But they are not. They do not know. God knows. But he will not tell. If your king is truly the Lord's anointed, and if he also throws spears, then there are some things you can know, and know for sure:

Your king is quite mad.

And he is a king after the order of King Saul.

--

God has a university.  It's a small school.  Few enroll; even fewer graduate. Very, very few indeed.

God has this school because he does not have broken men and women. Instead, he has several other types of people. He has people who claim to have God's authority...and don't --people who claim to be broken...and aren't. And people who do have God's authority, but who are mad and unbroken. And he has, regretfully, a great mixture of everything in between.  All of these he has in abundance, but broken men and women, hardly at all."

-Gene Edwards

A Breath or Two...

Today, very simply, Jimmy Needham sums up my feelings: 

I'm tired of putting one foot in front of the other, 

I'm weary of where it leads me to,

I'm tired of moving on from my Father,

Make me rest my head and take a breath or two...

-

Some days I just get tired of moving on, progressing and pushing forward.  

I get ill at the treatment of supposed Christians and their treatment of the fellow Christians that will be in Heaven with them.  If you don't like me...I'm sorry, (actually I'm not sorry at all...so get over it,) that my goal is Heaven, but you might want to start preparing yourself for an Eternity of seeing me around...because I intend to make it.  

That's my only goal in life currently actually.  

Vindictiveness, strife, and spite will not help me achieve my goal.  

Forgiveness, love, and mercy will.  

My God is a God that loves...yes, He is also judgment.  

The absolutely amazing thing about God is the fact that He is balanced.  

He loves and He judges.  

He condemns, but also redeems.  

To us, He seems like a dichotomy.  But He isn't.  

There is nothing contradicting about Him, because He embodies all that is just, right, and loving.  

His justice does not come without love.

His correction does not come without mercy. 

So many people could learn so much from His Character.  

Lord...as nervous as it makes me to say this: teach me YOUR ways.  I don't want to learn 'Your' ways only from flawed humanity, I want to learn them from YOU. 

My life has become a study in brokenness...I'm eager to see what You make of the pieces I bring to You...

Can I just say...

My God is amazing! 

Just sayin'. 

Road Signs: Warning!!!

I think some people are placed in our lives to warn us what we could become if we take certain paths....

I'm thankful that God has chosen to love me enough to show me someone who I *could* be like...and why I shouldn't want to be like that. 

The hardest part is keeping my eyes on the prize...and the role model HE placed in my life. 

Time to come to a screeching halt and adjust my direction...

Thanks...

After all of the stealing and cheating, 
You probably think that I hold resentment for you, 
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong, 
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, 
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through, 
So I wanna say thank you, 

'Cause it makes me that much stronger, 
Makes me work a little bit harder, 
It makes me that much wiser, 
So thanks for making me a fighter, 
Made me learn a little bit faster, 
Made my skin a little bit thicker, 
Makes me that much smarter, 
So thanks for making me a fighter,  

Never saw it coming, 
All of your backstabbing, 
Just so you could cash in, 
One good thing before I realized your game, 
I heard you're going around, 
Playing the victim now, 
But don't even begin, 
Feeling I'm the one to blame, 
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies, 
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore, 
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over, 
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture, 
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down, 
So I wanna say thank you,   

So thanks for making me a fighter!

-C.A.

Congratulations...

...to my Aunt Janelle.

Yesterday, my Aunt married a nice guy...if anyone deserves it, she does.  

After being married to a jerk for so long, I'm glad she got a nice guy. 

I got to hang out with my siblings (and their significant others) at the reception, and more importantly, got to see Caterina. 

I love that little girl!

Her dad (my brother-in-law) greeted me by saying: "So Bekki, I hear you're satan." 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyone who gets what that is referring to, you must know that I almost fell out laughing on the floor from that comment. 

It was great.  Made my day actually!!!

Anyhow, congrats Aunt Janelle. 

I'm still exhausted quite easily, and stupid me has been cleaning for hours...I just want to collapse into bed.  But since I have to work tomorrow, I know that I need to stay up a bit later so I can sleep through the night. 

Maybe the mall is calling me for some Christmas shopping...still have a few people to shop for...namely Erica Marxer...who is coming home for Christmas!!! YAY!!!!!

When You Think You're Dying....

...There are A LOT of things that go through your mind. 

--

Earlier this week...Monday, I believe, I leaned my head back against my bed...and thought that I had somehow fallen and hit my head.  I had a HUGE lump on the back of my head...so I thought...hmmmm...nope.  I haven't hit my head...haven't done anything to get a lump....hmmmm.  

Well...that painful lump was a foreshadow of the rest of this week of misery!! 

It turned out to be a swollen lymph node (I had a matching lump on the other side of my head), and I turned out to have a nasty flu bug.  Or something equally as nasty.  

I was in bed for a full 24 hours, up only for dinner and water.  At the highest point, that I saw, my fever was at 102.4 or so, and my head hurt so bad I could barely see the thermometer.  

I was pretty sure I was dying. (I kid, I kid, but it WAS miserable.)

Anyway, I am today, up for the first time for a full day this week since Monday (and desperately wishing I were in bed currently), coughing, hacking, wheezing, and swaying on my feet.  But I'm up.  And THAT'S what matters.  I'm well enough to be out of bed. 

Not saying I won't still go to Urgent Care tonight or tomorrow...but...I'M UP!

The thoughts that went through my head were quite random though, and ran the gamut of: 'If I die, my room is a disaster. How embarrassing that I haven't even unpacked from WCC!!" to "My car needs an oil change." to "I really, really want something sweet." to "Laying in bed is sooooooooo boring, and I don't feel like reading, I have looked at all of my cooking blogs, and I am, in general, bored." 

So God basically said: "Bekki, if YOU won't relax...I will force you to!!!" 

And He still is, because I am still weaker than a baby.  

But despite all of that, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I know that I am thankful for too many things to list here tonight.  

--

In other news, I am sick of logging into my own blog, sooooo...we're no longer private (and YES I do have a mouse in my pocket to contribute to that 'we're,' I'm not schizophrenic...yet.)

On The Other Side of Broken

On the other side of broken there's a life that's been repaired.

This life wasn't handled by just anyone, but the One who truly cares.

Smashed and shattered until it could be recognized no more…

Who could have known what His mighty hand had in store?



On the other side of broken spiritual eyes can take flight.

Finally seeing meaning to the darkness of the night.

No longer stalked by the ferocious lions of despair…

This life, although broken, now soars on divine wings of holy air.



On the other side of broken much questioning will cease.

Not because of answers found, but because of His sweet peace.

Like the dew from the heavens will it shower your soul…

It's here that you realize, He really has been in control.



On the other side of broken you accept your calling to become,

Not just one of the multitude, no, but a vessel carefully chosen, a peculiar one.

No longer can you reside on the shelf of the mundane…

You are now appointed with distinction, a precious valuable to be claimed.



So while you are on the anvil, being pounded away…

Or placed back within the heated oven to mold your soul to stay…

If only you can remember this one thing on that day:

Your vessel is being chosen and on the other side of broken…

Will become priceless clay.

-Danan Benson